Archive for the ‘religion’ Category

I think all organized religion is stupid — I mean, if there is a God, why can’t he just talk to us directly? I mean, pick up a phone, goddammit! What, His fingers are too fat for his outdated flip-phone? Maybe He needs to update to a Jitterbug, sheesh.

The moment you got someone who says he’s speaking for God, I gotta say bullshit — any omnipotent deity has no need of a mere *human* to speak for him. I mean, what’s the point of “omnipotent” if you can’t just say to all your peeps, “hey, Dave, this is God, how ya doin’ today?” “Oh fine, God. Oh yeah, it’s getting kinda warm down here, can you, like, cool things off a bit?” “I’m sorry, Dave, but you guys need to quit trashing my planet, I’m not doing a thing until then because you’d just undo it.” “That sucks!” “It’s that whole free will thing, Dave. You chose it, so you got what you chose.” And do that simultaneously for all 9 billion or so people ’cause omnipotent and infinite, yo.

One reason I respect the Quakers is that their “church” services consist of them being quiet and waiting for God to speak to them, instead of some asswipe getting up in front of the congregation and claiming to speak for God. Never heard of anybody actually hearing God talk to them at those meetings, but hey, it could happen, I suppose. At least they have the common sense to know that an omnipotent God doesn’t need some asswipe to speak for Him, He can do His own talking. If only the rest of the religions around were sane enough to make that logical leap. (Well, maybe the Unitarians do, but I’m not really sure they’re a religion rather than a social club anyhow).

— Badtux the Heretical Penguin

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Oh sure, NORAD blew him out of the sky at 30,000 feet before he even made it to the ground, but look. Death is just a temporary affliction for Jesus (three day thing, remember?). And he can just as easily materialize on the surface of the planet as in the sky, right?

And if he actually exists, maybe he’s done so already. I can just see it now. Some Arab-looking dude in robes and sandals starts hauranging people outside of a megachurch about how they’re worshipping mammon, and the cops get called.

Sgt. Joe Friday. “So what is your name, mister?”
JC: (In thick Arabic accent) “Jesus.”
SJF: “Is that your first name or your last name?”
JC: “It is my name, the one and only name, the truth, the life, the salvation of Earth.”
SJF: “Err, okay, Mr. Jesus. So, do you have any ID on you?”
JC: “ID?”
SJF: “Driver’s license? Student ID card? Anything government issued?”
JC: “I have rendered unto Caesar what is Caesar’s!”
SJF: “So, Jesus, where were you born?”
JC: “I was born in Israel, in the city of Jerusalem. Shepherds in the field flocked to celebrate my birth and three wise men from the east brought expensive gifts for my parents in celebration of my birth.”
SJF: “Do you have immigration papers showing you have the right to reside in the United States?”
JC: “I am omniscient and omnipresent. I reside everywhere and nowhere. I am the truth and the light. I bring salvation to the weary masses.”
SJF: “So, uhm, why were you making a scene outside of the Praise Moollah Holy Tabernacle?”
JC: “They have perverted my name and teachings!”
SJF: “Okay, Mr. Jesus. Back to your jail cell.”

Jesus is led back to the intake jail cell with a number of other people who were picked up for disorderly conduct, public drunkenness, and other such “status” crimes. SJF talks to his lieutenant.

SJF: “That Jesus dude is going to be a problem. But I think I have a solution. He says he was born in Israel. So let’s call ICE.”
LT: “Aren’t we officially a sanctuary city?”
SJF: “Hey, do *you* want to deal with this asshole every other day?!”
LT: “Oh fuck no.”
SJF: “Exactly.”

One phone call later:

ICE Goon #1: “Okay, Mr. Jesus, we’re here to take you home.” (Places handcuffs onto Jesus’s hands, puts a strap around Jesus’s waist and locks the cuffs to it).
JC: “My home has many mansions.”
ICE Goon #2: (Rolling eyes). “Fine. We’re here to take you there. Now are you coming quietly or do we gotta beat you up?”
JC: “If once a person should slap your cheek, you should turn your head so he may slap the other one.”
ICE Goon #1: “Be that way then.” Both goons pull out truncheons and beat Jesus down, then drag him out to an ICE detention center.

Two years later:

Guard #1: “Hey, where’s that Jesus guy?”
Guard #2: “Dunno. Israel wouldn’t take him, maybe they finally let him go?”
Guard #1: “I’ll check.” Pulls out cell phone, calls detention center office, discusses loudly the status of this Jesus guy.
Guard #1: “Nope, he’s supposed to be still here.”
JC: “Bye, guys! See you later?”
Guard #1: Looks up, sees Jesus floating in air about 40 feet above them. “What the fuck?”
JC: “Oh wait, sorry, I forgot, you’re going that *other* place! Bye bye!” Soars upwards into the sky.
Guard #2: “Jesus H. Christ, I think I just saw a dude floating in air fly away.”
Guard #1: “Yeah. Exactly.”
Cloud of smoke in sky quickly dissipates.

Three days later:

JC: “Okay, let’s try this *again*.”

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Jesus died for our sins, but he didn’t stay dead.

So, uhm, Jesus had a three day weekend rest for our sins?

If you die but you come back, it’s not at all the same as dying *for real*, after all.

I guess it all reads better as metaphor anyhow. Who cares whether there was an actual historical dude named “Jesus”, in the end. Even if he was an inspired work of fiction, things would be a whole lot better if folks followed the teachings ascribed to him. Alas, most people who claim to be Christian only give lip service to the teachings.

— Badtux the Irreverent Penguin

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And this is a stupid comparison.

You choose to become a nun as an adult. You’re required to go to seminary school — to *pay* to become a nun — and do an internship to make sure you actually want to become a nun. You can choose to *not* be a nun at any point in time without any repercussion — even if you’ve been a nun for years. You’re not ostracized by your community if you decide being a nun isn’t for you. You’re not disowned by your family if you decide being a nun isn’t for you. It’s a choice, 100% your choice. You aren’t even forced to wear “traditional” garb in most religious orders anymore, you have to *choose* to wear the “traditional” garb.

The same is not true of being a Muslim girl in many parts of the world. You’re born into a Muslim family. You can’t stop being Muslim because then you’ll be disowned by your family and ostracized by your community. You can’t stop wearing hijab because, again, you’ll be disowned by your family and ostracized by your community. It’s not a choice you make voluntarily as a Muslim girl, it’s a choice forced upon you by your family and community and, in some places like Saudi Arabia, by the religious police.

To compare the two as if they are equivalent is insulting and ridiculous. Yes, there are women who decide as an adult to convert to Islam and wear hijab. But in most majority-Islamic countries, they are an almost vanishingly small minority.

– Badtux the Comparisons Penguin

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Zombie Jesus died for your sins… and has come back for your braiiins!

As usual, I forgot today was Easter, and went out to buy some Chipotle for lunch. They were closed, so I went next door to the Habit Burger instead.

— Badtux the Hellbound Penguin
(Hey, Hell, Michigan, has *perfect* weather for a penguin right now!)

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Him: “Their religion outlaws all mind-altering substances. Alcohol, caffeine, marijuana, bacon…”

Me: “Wait, bacon? Since when is bacon a mind-altering substance?”

Him: “Always!”

— Badtux the Laughing Penguin

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Where white folk celebrate the kindly Uncle Tom caricature that they’ve made of Dr. Martin Luther King Jr., who was a nice negro (in their caricature version of him, not in real life, where he was righteous and fiery and said tons of things that white people wouldn’t like to be reminded of today).

So fuck that. I’m more sad about the death of Dolores O’Riordan, whose Irish lilt and clear enunciation made for a distinctive and refreshing voice on a radio filled with sloppy slurred drugged-out singers in the early 90’s. She was only 46, and still in fine voice just a few months ago…

Fuck reality. Donald fucking Trump is still alive despite consuming more Big Macs than the entire city of Detroit, and someone who actually contributed beauty to this world dies young? That’s why I know if there is a God, he’s a vicious and vindictive son of a bitch and I want nothing to do with him. Besides, Hell would have better company.

– Badtux the Sad Penguin

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