It’s that day again

It’s that day where the right wing always freaks out about people celebrating their Mexican heritage. Strangely enough, they never freak out about people celebrating their Irish heritage on St. Patrick’s Day. Nothing to do with skin color I’m sure. [/s]

• Badtux the Snarky Penguin

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Can you sue God?

Would it be possible to sue God?

The first issue would be finding a court with jurisdiction. God is domiciled in Heaven, which is not within the direct jurisdiction of any earthly court.

That in and of itself would tend to say no, you cannot sue God. But wait! Like Amazon, God has facilities like, *everywhere*! All these churches, each of which claim to be the House of God and claim that they are Doing God’s Work, clearly establish relevant jurisdiction in the state of California.

And if you say, “well, those churches aren’t *directly* owned by God”, there’s still the fact that God performs actions in the state of California. Just ask any insurance company. A tree falls over onto your car? Act of God! A tornado rips through your hometown? Act of God! Generally, if someone comes into the state of California and harms me, the State of California is an appropriate venue for a lawsuit against that person. If an Act of God happens to me, clearly I have the right to sue God!

This leads to the last problem with suing God: Providing proof of service to the court in order to allow the lawsuit to proceed. And at this point, your lawsuit runs into an impenetrable roadblock: Nobody has ever returned from Heaven, and since God lives in Heaven, returning from Heaven is necessary in order to provide proof of service. Well, one guy came back, but He went back and He is not available for use as a service processor. If you cannot provide proof of service to the court, the lawsuit cannot proceed.

At that point, your lawsuit enters a limbo state awaiting proof of service. One year after filing, after you fail to provide proof of service of a summons upon God, your lawsuit is automatically dismissed.

And that little roadblock — nobody returning from Heaven — is why you cannot sue God. Even if God wasn’t imaginary, He simply can’t be served with a court summons due to that whole one-way-trip thing when it comes to Heaven, and thus He is beyond the jurisdiction of any earthly court.

— Badtux the Legal Penguin

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TNR is the most important tool for dealing with the feral Christian problem

Feral Christians are a greater risk than feral cats. Thus the importance of TNR — Trap, Neuter, Release. Plus give them their rabies and distemper vaccinations at that time. That should prevent the frothing at the mouth and brain damage that are so common in feral Christians, and should stabilize the population over time.

Unfortunately people keep throwing out their unwanted unneutered Christians so the job never ends, but as colony keepers we know it’s up to us to deal with these feral colonies because nobody else is going to do it. I just wish TNR wasn’t so expensive. The drop trap alone that we use to manage our colony was a significant expense, and a couple of live traps and a transfer fork make it even more out of reach of many would be feral Christian colony managers. Thankfully there’s charities out there that will lend the traps and provide reduced cost spay/neuter assistance else the feral Christian problem would be totally out of control.

So don’t just whine about all the ferals in your neighborhood and all the loud yowling they do. I understand that the constant howls of “Have you heard the good news of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ” can be disturbing in the middle of the night, nevermind their constant fighting (the Protestants and Catholics are especially prone to that) and constant breeding overpopulating the neighborhood. Be part of the solution. Adopt a feral colony today, TNR it to stabilize the population and improve its health and reduce the aggression of its members, and have a happier healthier neighborhood!

— Badtux the Tongue in Beak Penguin

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Happy Holidays and New Year

I made the trip back to Louisiana to visit the relatives again. Nothing to say about Louisiana. Texas, on the other hand…. everything is bigger in Texas. Including the assholes. Yeesh.

I’ve been thinking about the “superhero” genre, both comics and film/TV versions. It amuses me that there is a whole genre of fiction that basically celebrates criminals as heroes. The only other genre I can think of that does that is Republican politicians’ campaign ads.

Criminals, you say?

Well, yeah. Every episode has them committing assault and battery upon someone. And sometimes kidnapping — tying them up and dumping them at the police station being the politest thing they do. None of that is legal for a civilian to do. Well, if someone’s life is in danger it’s okay to tackle the attacker and hold him for the police, but you can’t just tie him up and dump him at the police station!

Now, the Batman I suppose could have been deputized by his buddy Commissioner Gordon, which would make it legal for him to tackle Cat Lady and retrieve the Cat’s Eye Diamond…. sayyy…. Bruce Wayne is, like, crazy rich, yeah? And how did Commissioner Gordon get elected as Police Commissioner, again? Gosh, no corruption there, right?!

And a sizable percentage of America thinks these guys are heroes. LOL.

Bah Humbug.

— Ebenezer Tux.

This video always cracks me up:

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Jesus took a three day rest vacation for our sins

Jesus died for our sins, but he didn’t stay dead.

So, uhm, Jesus had a three day weekend rest for our sins?

If you die but you come back, it’s not at all the same as dying *for real*, after all.

I guess it all reads better as metaphor anyhow. Who cares whether there was an actual historical dude named “Jesus”, in the end. Even if he was an inspired work of fiction, things would be a whole lot better if folks followed the teachings ascribed to him. Alas, most people who claim to be Christian only give lip service to the teachings.

— Badtux the Irreverent Penguin

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Apparently the MelaniaBot had to be recalled for repair and reprogramming

That’s the best explanation for why Melania Trump has not been seen in public for over 20 days :).

– Badtux the Snarky Penguin

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Agenda 21? Area 51? Pier 1?

I had someone mention “Agenda 21” today as part of some conspiracy theory. And that was pretty much my response: “Agenda 21? Is that similar to Area 51? Or Pier 1?”

He then replied: “I’m sorry, I can’t help you.”

And of course I immediately responded:

That’s okay. My tin foil hat fits closely, so I’m sure the mind control rays being beamed through the chemtrails aren’t affecting my body full of toxins like dihydrogen monoxide (which is *deadly*, thousands of people per year die from inhaling the stuff!).

Though I think what finally does me in will most likely be my cat. I swear he’s trying to kill me. Every time I try to go somewhere in my house, he’s underfoot trying to trip me….

Hey, do you think my cat could be a Russian agent?

Thus far no response.

Heh.

– Badtux the Poking-conspiracy-theorists Penguin

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Happy Zombie Jesus Day, y’all.

Zombie Jesus died for your sins… and has come back for your braiiins!

As usual, I forgot today was Easter, and went out to buy some Chipotle for lunch. They were closed, so I went next door to the Habit Burger instead.

— Badtux the Hellbound Penguin
(Hey, Hell, Michigan, has *perfect* weather for a penguin right now!)

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The pitfalls of being part of a secret society

Being a member of a secret society devoted to uncovering and publicizing the corruption of a certain corrupt politician isn’t all that it’s cracked up to be. First of all, there’s the Fight Club rules — rule #1 of secret conspiracies is *don’t advertise that you’re part of a secret conspiracy*. Then there’s the code names that we have to all go by. I can never remember mine. Is it Xray Charley Zebra or is is Zebra Charley Xray? Then there’s the insane cackling. I’m no good at insane cackling. I practice in front of a mirror, but all I can manage is a demented chortle.

Then there’s the wages. Everybody’s always talking about Soros checks, but where’s mine? Sheesh! Talk about slave labor!

But I guess in these times, being part of a secret society is just one of the dues you pay for being a good citizen. After all, 3 million Americans (or more) are part of this secret society….

— Badtux the Snarky Penguin

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Mind-altering substances

Him: “Their religion outlaws all mind-altering substances. Alcohol, caffeine, marijuana, bacon…”

Me: “Wait, bacon? Since when is bacon a mind-altering substance?”

Him: “Always!”

— Badtux the Laughing Penguin

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