There seems to be lots of people eager to tell me and lots of other folks what God wants. God hates fags. God doesn’t want gay marriage. God doesn’t want abortions. God this. God that.
What I can’t figure out is this: Why the fuck should I listen these people? Let me get this straight, God is omnipotent and all-seeing and all-mighty, yet He can’t give me a message directly? What, His thumbs are too big to work the buttons on his Blackberry? (Because you know God is old skool and doesn’t “do” those new-fangled iPhones and Androids, yo). Or He has a bad case of laryngitis today and so needs the God Whisperer to talk in his place? Yeah, right. If God needs to talk to me, he knows where the nearest burning bush is. Just sayin’.
There’s actually entire religions based on the notion that nobody can speak for God but God Himself. Like, the Quakers, they don’t have a “church service”. They have what they call “Meeting”, where they sit around quietly and wait for God to speak to them, or not, whatever the case may be. Because they find the notion that God would need one human being to tell another human being what He has to say to be rather, uhm, presumptuous? And actually, the Baptists used to be that way too. Once upon a time, if any Baptist had dared tell another Baptist what God had to say, he woulda have been firmly put in his place and told “no no, that’s papistry, what, you think you’re Catholic now, you think you’re the Pope in Rome that’s gonna tell us what God has to say?” The Bible was what God had to say. What God spoke to you when you prayed quietly was what God had to say. What other people claimed God had to say was just other people moving their lips and putting themselves into the place of God.
Too bad it isn’t like that still. All these God-botherers wanderin’ around claiming they and they alone know what God has to say are a plague upon the land. So if you’re gonna tell me what God has to say, I’ll tell you this — give God my phone number, and let Him IM me personally using his personal Blackberry. Oh wait, He is omnipresent and omnipotent, so He already has my phone number. So He already can IM me anytime he wishes. The fact that He hasn’t sorta tells me that He doesn’t care about any of that crap that the god botherers claim He cares about. Either that, or He is a myth invented to scare ignorant shepherds into doing what their leaders wanted them to do, but that couldn’t be, right?
– Badtux the Snarky Penguin